you always go places
and it must be exciting
seeing different things
seeing brilliant things
and it making you brilliant and exciting

but every time you come back
like there's something pulling you back
and i can't for the life of me figure out what that might be
that isn't false modesty
that's honesty

but one of these days
you'll find something too brilliant
bright
brill-ee-yant

and likely, one day
you'll fall in love with a geographic location
grown-up love
and you won't be back
because that's what grown-ups do

constant, gross debt

money coming in, favours coming in

freelance is not a viable career

it's money on the side

it's soup and crackers riches

it's indebtable

another thing I can't afford

because I'm not a real adult

and now jeff rosenstock is going to sue me

i don't like the idea of pruning my prose
like it's some kind of bonsai tree
like it's something that has to become polished, pretty, beautiful, even
there were two good examples of that in this stanza alone

the first was that "pruning my prose" nonsense
did i mean to make it alliterative?
not even, it's just that those were the proper words
"polished, pretty"
same thing
i'd rather just be honest about the words that i use
they're the honest ones

or maybe i just get off on making people pronounce hard Ps
hard Ps for everyone
forever

my passion comes
in fits and spurts
and it really hurts
that i'm the worts
at rhyming, also
saying what
when misinterpreted
is smut
a monday here
and i can't work
by wednesday panic
i'm a jerk
so tuesday, shakedown
get things done
don't stop too early
fun is fun
but this is fun
that's why i do it
as a career
i don't pursue it
if i don't like it
why go on
why not give up
why end this on a rhyme even

free verse poetry, bitches

i fought your mom and i fought your dad
and i fought the asshole at the bookstore, brad
and i fought the guy with the better beard than i
and i fought the dude who calls everyone "guy"

i fought the law and we came to be friends
but i still drive by and egg his house on weekends
i fought the lovers, they didn't fight back
i never fought slater, but i beat down on zack

i fought your sister, and i fought her mister
and i fought that creepy old man, "mister twister"
i fought the wizard who lived in the tree
though he shapeshifted, so then i was fighting me

i fought to the top of the heap, as it were
i looked down, and what did i see?
nothing but jobbers and undercard wrestlers
and then dean malenko beat me

thank you very much!

every so often, i feel like a supporting character in someone else's story
where's my spin-off, though?
i pop in, say my catchphrase, do my thing
uncle phil throws me out of the house
charles and mambo, the doctor from 30 rock
who am i kidding? the doctor? lutz
i'm not batman to someone's superman
i'm blue beetle
ted kord blue beetle
but before he died, and people started caring about him

i had a supporting character night tonight
nothing changed in the overall characer arc
good things, bad things, in the middle things
things i tried to help with, that didn't not go well, that didn't go anywhere
rory pond, dude

from now on, just jokes
stick to the funny
stop being a dick
stop thinking in ways that don't make people laugh
you're a supporting character

i'd better start working on my catchphrase:
"this is what it's come to"

half-remembered dream
about the end of the world
no one left
no things left
the last thing alive
well, not the last
me
and a can of some drink
and a six pack ring
i pulled the can off
and looked at the ring
and fuck that, i'm not cutting it up
what a rebel

did i ever tell you about my vagrant summer
when i delivered bread
and then lied about delivering bread
but didn't tell you
but i just rememberd

i would get up early
early in the morning, late in the night
and get on my bike
and bike
and hide near the church
put my back up, draw my knees tight
read books until the sun creeped
and made it impossible to sleep
it was the best game of hide and seek
because no one found me
or they just thought i was that thing

and i drank coffee
and enjoyed breakfast
and it was a break
and it was miserable

but i loved it
i would do it again

A: Achewood's Assetbar whoring and subsequent hiatus.
B: Dude, the bass. It's just the best. It's the unsung hero.
C: Churchill. High school was a million years ago, and yet it haunts me daily.
D: Darkwing Duck was a decent show, and is currently an even better comic book.
E: Emily. It's just, like, a quality name. Multifaceted.
F: Finn the Human.
G: Geoff, who I sat with in my first university class. He slept a lot in class.
H: Hyou bastard!
I: Indifference! Feigned!
J: There was a time in which everyone I hung out with's name started with said letter.
K: I once saw Kevin McDonald on the street. Kevin effing McDonald!
L: Lesbian? LesbianS?
M: Meanwhile, at The Octagon...
N: No. No!
O: Origami is probably a good analogy for things that I'm fascinated by but will never learn. Wait, can I go back to B for that one?
P: The green horror of the classic Pennywise shirt. Plus, that other thing that I do!
Q: Qi! Eleven points in Scrabble!
R: If you need to ask, then you're a monster.
S: Santeria, the worst song that will ever be covered.
T: Tamaran. Hey, look, a comic book reference!
U: The man now, dawg.
V: Vanilla. It's not perfume, it's cologne, jerk.
W: Damn you, Dr. Wily!
X: Meeeeeeen / Look, two Mega Man references in a row.Y: Yes? Yes.
Z: Zeo Crystals, a plot device in the third season of Power Rangers. John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats once sent me a tweet regarding them. Look, Z is a tough letter.

if i go to sleep in my clothes
it's because it makes a night's sleep seem more like just a nap
if i wear my shoes in the house
it's because it makes me feel like i'm out and getting things done
if i wear a button-up over what isn't really an undershirt, per se
it's because, well, let's not be coy
it's because tits 'n gut
if i wear sandals of any sort
then you know that it's not the real me
so don't stop hitting until they confess
and give me back my face

left pocket ipod
right pocket wallet
left pocket cigarettes
right little pocket lighter
who keeps their wallet in their back pocket
grown up men?
not i!

so, bag
left pocket cigarettes
right pocket wallet
well, back and front pocket
it depends on the bag's orientation
laptop in the middle
notebook, gum, misc. in the front
lord help me if i have to take my sweater off
lord help me if a i start drinking
because then nothing goes back where it should

the same hardest-of-the-hardcore belt for twelve years now
falling apart, but still better than any replacement
sleeves rolled up
cord to the right, ipod and coffee to the left

comfort, comfort, comfort
nervous tics!

i don't eat meat
but there are absolutely animals that i would eat
i would do it with gusto

let's start this off with a childhood dream: a mammoth
this is a real thing that can be eaten
there are some out there still, flash frozen, waiting for a fork
hp sauce, garlic potatoes, asparagus, and, I dunno, some kind of grog

i've never eaten grasshopper
i know, i know
starting off with the best zord, and then following it up with a bug
pretty weak sauce, mister
but there would have to be extenuating circumstances
on top of a mountain, or in a sweat lodge, or something
something battered, something blue

crocodile
on a grilled bun
the bun has to be grilled
i feel like this is crucial

never an okapi or a platypus
first of all, i would rather eat a giraffe and a zebra than a giraffe-zebra
okapis are, simply put, the best that the animal kingdom has to offer
and why would i eat a platypus?
they're poisonous, electric monotremes, people
not a whole lot of monotremes left
and i'm no monster

a business man
if it were a life or death situation
i mean, who's more valuable to the world?
the guy that writes awful prose, that's who
i know you'll agree with me

and, as long as we're on the topic of cannibalism:
a piece of jim croce or john belushi or phil hartman
had they been properly preserved
i mean, that body's not being used, right?
i'm not eating their soul, just their soooooouuuuul

i wish i was an ice cream savant
like that guy from city slickers

another wrecked song
too many wrecked songs
i simply can't hear it
and it was new to me

and here's another one
another one that got wrecked
ruined, smashed, unplayable
i tried, and i just can't
but, but--!

there's a cover
a happier one
one that i can play
tongue-in-cheek, fun, not too serious
and i can listen to that

i can listen to it over and over
and laugh and laugh
and so i try the original

and maybe it's just too soon
and maybe you're such a you!

holy moses, other poets
other poets know it
i do not

i thought i could write poetry
stick to writing in panels, sweetie
stick to making disposable humour
that stays well past its expiration date

who was i kidding?
why would i do such a thing on a whim?
the impulse buy of website creation
it's a skor bar and a bunch of horoscopes
but, you know how we are
scorpios

isn't poetry supposed to be deeply personal?
don't you just write horrible things instead?
horrible as in cruel, not as in an affront on the senses
you do that too
occasionally

hey, you do both
wait, wait

wait

that's the point?
awful things?
just, the worst?
oh noetry, and all that?
things that would make a vogon stand up and say "i'm going to sit back down, now"?

oh, okay
glad we got that sorted out
updates wednesday and friday, folks
give us a kiss

no, julie
listen
you have to listen
this is important

you need to just sit down
stop it
don't walk away from me
this is not your decision

you think this is easy for me?
you think i like doing this?
i have to be the bad guy?
and you just get to
sit, sit down, i'm not finished
and you just get to ignore my feelings?

it's not fair to me
i do everything for you
i'm the one at work all day
what do you even do during the day?

i think the trust is gone
and you're going to have to do something to earn it back
you can't just
no
you can not
this is not over

julie!
sit down!
come back here!
julie!

i guess i'm not a cat person either, is what i'm trying to say

what is it this week?
what's trending
better check
so i can be every bit as mad as everyone
or as silly
or as whooping insane

how long until oprah retires?
i'd better know
i don't want to be out of the loop
is that even possible at this point?
or is that impossibility just my fault

i'm not above the mob
i'm not smarter than anyone else
but i'm smarter than me
except when i'm not
which is a lot of the time

day one, slight limp
i will persevere
a limp adds character
calvin's dad would agree

day two, i should not walk
i have been robbed of my joy
and i strut like some horrible frankenstein's monster
brought to life by coffee and plaid
too little lightning

will i end up in a wheelchair?
will i end up in a morgue?
is it gangrenous?
is it cancerous?
oh lord, take this cancerous leg and grant me a peg
pirates are still in, as unlikely as that seems

day three, is that a bruise?
day three, marry me
day three, let me crawl inside you and sleep on top of your heart
you validate the pain
and that is all i could ever ask of anything
a day or a woman or a detergent brand

day four, to be determined
i hope it will not offer miracles
because to struggle and persevere would make this worthwhile
or at least worth writing about
or at least worth writing poorly about

it might as well be china
i might as well be digging through the earth
that would be just as quick, just as effective
oh, be a doll
a china doll

you be as forward as i'd like
as much as i'd never be
it's more efficient that way, frankly
and first moves only go well in tic-tac-toe
and this is slightly more complicated
it's connect four
or SOS

i can't dig to china
not from this angle
i would end up in the indian ocean
off the coast of adélie land
where they have penguins
which i suppose is a plus

four: snow and rain and a spiderweb on my face at the end
five: the bike comes out and i look for work that would come if i looked harder
six: keep trying, but i'm distracted by how poorly these shirts all fit
seven: the disgraceful routine of sleeping late and feeling bad about it
eight: five in the morning and the grass is wet and i should sleep
nine: i will be doing this until i am a real, card-carrying grown-up
ten: a thousand costumes; it's worth it to stay up late for the great pumpkin
eleven: when will the real snow come?
twelve: the days aren't really that short at all, and the house is claustrophobic
one: this is the year of our lord and saviour jesus shame
two: the cold will never let up and i swear at it when i think no one is watching
three: everyone is born, and i have nothing for them

i have go-to lines
bits, catchphrases

i think that the bridge of paradise by the dashboard light is a great thing
for a woman to sing
at the last moment pre-coitus

when a joke fails horribly, i say that it needs work

and i like to give little shout-outs to the ladies
because some people really seem to enjoy that

if we're parting, i will instruct you to have fun
and you had better

if you wear a black v-neck t-shirt
then congratulations
i will call you ricky gervais

i use dinger as an explitive more often than any grown man really ought to

but there's more to me than that
right?
ladies?

on the first day, i didn't miss you
i was excited
and everything seemed new
endless possibilities
and a small trinket to remember you by

on the second day, there was a bit of pain
there was an unfamiliar roughness to everything
and i started thinking
maybe i had made a mistake

on the third day, i caught a good look at myself in the mirror
what i had become
it made me sick to my stomache
but i knew there was no going back
irrepairable, inconceivable

on the fourth day, i tried to adjust
but i wasn't fooling anyone
and i wasn't fooling myself

it's the fifth day, and i miss you
i miss you more than anything
and i can't wait until you come back

if you love something, cut it right off of your face
and if it grows back, then it was meant to be
i miss my beard

try harder
were the words that they said
they said it more times than i'd like to remember
if i had to guess just how many times they said it
i'm pretty sure i'd have to
try harder

sometimes being a parent
means having to watch television programs
that you wouldn't normally watch
it's like being in a relationship, in that way
it reminds you that, hey, you're an individual
and you simply don't have the taste for certain entertainment

so i'm watching this show
victorious
about a bunch of kids that go to a performing arts high school
and i just want to smash the tv
it's the worst
seriously, go watch it
feel my rage

all of these people are so terrible
let's go through the cast
one of the kids is a ventriloquist
that is not a good running gag
and there's a bad boy with a heart of gold
and don't forget the token black kid
and the bitch character
i mean, everyone keeps calling her a gank
but when they say "gank", they mean "oh god you're such a bitch just fucking die"
the dumb one is dumb, we get it, let's move on
and the main girl
hooray, free spirit
you can tell she's a free spirit because she wears hightops

i need to change the channel or turn the tv off
before i throw my daughter out of the house
or feed her to a wolf

we build a lexicon
based on inside jokes, turns of phrase
shared memories
that we see from the same point of view
words that only mean something to us
because to hell with the rest of the world
and i love every single part of it
it's my favourite dictionary
aside from the one
with all the dirty words in it

a goose
a beaver
22 minutes/red green/air farce
a tragically hip song
rick mercer
don cherry
colin mochrie
bryan adams on the phone
kevin macdonald or mark mckinney
tim hortons
roll up the rim
okay, there's the cancon
now we can write poems
and not get in trouble
you're welcome, government

everything has to be a glass full of lemons
and everything has to be a down note
and it's not like things will get better
until they do
which is sometime in the future
accompanied by silver shoulder pads
and requisite flying cars

external locus
is the term, i suppose
it best sums up what'll make me happy
popcorn, scrabble, movies
"picnic" isn't necessary code for cunnilingus
though i suppose "snack" is
so there's that

i miss trees
real trees have leaves, not needles
trees with needles are kids stuff
like putting your voice in a build-a-bear
ronny cordova says you're gay
but he means it in that "gay=lame" sort of way
which isn't cool, but still, it happens

may will be a good month
remind me in may
to have fun
and smile
and laugh a joker laugh
and dance a travolta dance
and fight like the wind
which i assume involves a lot of blowing on opponents
let's hope they get uncomfortable, due to all the blowing
and leave the fight
because that counts as a victory, right?
of course
of course

it's a coat made of skin
it's totally a coat made of skin
how can that guy get away with that?
is this the society that we live in?
where a man can just wear a coat made of skin
out in public?

it's not like he's even being subtle about it
he's damn near flaunting it
and i hate to belabour the point
but come on
it's a coat made of skin

i won't talk about his odd haircut
like a mohawk
but just on the back of his head
or his goatee on the front
like a front/back symmetry
that may be the frightening type
but not nearly as frightening as
well, y'know

or his dog, which may or may not
be the dog from some non-cujo
stephen king novella

or his girlfriend, who may or may not
be the girl from some fever dream
where you end up falling asleep
on a couch in a public place

i guess what i'm trying to say
and let's be blunt
is let's all just have a little modesty
and stop terrifying people
with your coat made of skin

yours in christ,
the guy you scared at the coffee shop

you dropkicked your way into my heart
on brawlentines day
you hit my senses with a barbwire bat
on brawlentines day
you dislocated my shoulder and i lost a couple teeth
on brawlentines day
maybe we should see other people

"voldemort's cousin": first album tracklist

welcome to grapes (radio edit)
kurt russell's beard
franz f#@ked spike from degrassi
between the bricks
just what is duck confit
blues brothers is mutual
voldemort is maris
you're one ugly motherf*!ker
the second time i shot you in the face
secret jacket (i hate your jacket)
nicaragua*

*bonus track

i was thirteen when my grandfather died
but i think he would have been a good guy to know during my teen years
when i was, admittedly, pretty stupid
i quasi-inherited three plaid button-ups from him
two predominantely red, the other dark greens
forest green has been my favourite colour for as long as i can remember

the first red shirt, made up of thick, blocky lines
was thrown out during a post-teenage culling of clothes
i had a lot of useless clothes
and the fact that i incessently used those iron on t-shirt things
to make awful shirts
did not help

the second shirt, the earthy green one
started losing buttons, like an alzheimer's case losing focus and memory
it simply could not keep track of them
and the shirt itself, likely around age fifty
was not in the greatest of shapes to begin with
and so out it went

the third shirt, red, white, black, thin lines
is still with me to this day
but its collar has become frayed on the right side
like it's the two-face of collars
and there are tiny holes in the back of it
near the bottom

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then my throat would feel awesome
and i wouldn't have the constant taste
of cherry halls in my mouth

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then i wouldn't be awake
after sleeping the evening away
on a loveseat, not a couch

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then the zipper on these pants would work
and not slide halfway down
making me look constantly ridiculous

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then i would have realized early on
that i could just copy and paste
the first line of each of these stanzas

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then we wouldn't need a batman
because we would all have batman
right here (i'm pointing at my heart)

aw dream girl
you went offline
what a shame
a missed moment
to shout things
and feel like
well, there's shouting
shouting must mean
i'm worth of
a little time
and time, well
time is great
i'll take time
to take abuse
which is silly
but then, well
i did decide
to go outside
have a smoke
play it cool
like the aquabats
in that song
playing it cool
which i guess
sums up me
if you give it
just one listen
think you'll here
me being me
through being cool
like two other
songs i like
devo and jawbreaker
i'm so bad
at writing poems
wait a second
wasn't this blog
meant to ha-ha
the shitty poetry
that permeates blogs
throughout the internet
and now what
now i'm writing
serious garbage?

focus
i'm lacking
when i think
i would enjoy some
focus

i would not eat a urinal cake
i'm not going to say never
i mean gun to my head
of course
two hundred dollars
probably
they're not allowed to tape it
two hundred dollars can buy things
and we all need things
am i right
of course i'm right
people need to eat
you can't survive
otherwise
water is more or less free
great country for that
public water
has my unwavering support
so yeah
i guess i'd mow down on one
wait
what just happened