no haikus ever

i don't eat meat
but there are absolutely animals that i would eat
i would do it with gusto

let's start this off with a childhood dream: a mammoth
this is a real thing that can be eaten
there are some out there still, flash frozen, waiting for a fork
hp sauce, garlic potatoes, asparagus, and, I dunno, some kind of grog

i've never eaten grasshopper
i know, i know
starting off with the best zord, and then following it up with a bug
pretty weak sauce, mister
but there would have to be extenuating circumstances
on top of a mountain, or in a sweat lodge, or something
something battered, something blue

crocodile
on a grilled bun
the bun has to be grilled
i feel like this is crucial

never an okapi or a platypus
first of all, i would rather eat a giraffe and a zebra than a giraffe-zebra
okapis are, simply put, the best that the animal kingdom has to offer
and why would i eat a platypus?
they're poisonous, electric monotremes, people
not a whole lot of monotremes left
and i'm no monster

a business man
if it were a life or death situation
i mean, who's more valuable to the world?
the guy that writes awful prose, that's who
i know you'll agree with me

and, as long as we're on the topic of cannibalism:
a piece of jim croce or john belushi or phil hartman
had they been properly preserved
i mean, that body's not being used, right?
i'm not eating their soul, just their soooooouuuuul

i wish i was an ice cream savant
like that guy from city slickers