Sunday, June 3, 2018

You were an Endor celebration Leia
And I was Quentin Quire, broken
And you shouted your costume into my ear moments before my brain processed it

I was at a two person booth
And you sat down at it to talk with me
And your life was chaos but I was not listening
Juust nodding at the chaos the we all experience, and people, rightÉ

My phone, dead but re-enlivened like Lazarus
Plugged in, vibrates twice
And that is close enough to your buzz that I turn sharp
And maybe, small chance, very very small chance, infinticimal chance
Who knows?

I'm smoking and you're smoking
And I'm trying to grow hair
And you have dreads and you live in a space with a low ceiling
And I have a crush on Courtney but I wouldn't say that
We lie to the doctors and see if our health gets any better
And we're too nice or too youung to say anything to the accursed Judy

We are at a show
It doesn't matter which one, they bleed together like shades of orange
I lean against the wall, you gesture emphatically
We shout to be heard and strain to be listen and only succeed halfway
But even in misery I feel better having listened
At least I offered that support
We're aaall, in thiiiiis, to-ge-ther

I'm at the festival selling things
Maybe hanging aronud for a bit
We are at one of the sets, side by side
Someone asks if we're together, and we scoff
That's ridiculous!
Never, not in a million years
Associates forever
I'm happy to have someone to glom on to, momentarily

We have a relationship
I fuck it all up despite myself, not even knowing the how of it
I get angry and upset that I can't puzzle it together
This is simple math, I can make it work with the right combination
Of words and heart and not shutting up when I should not shut up
And a step back is a step back
Even if at first we don't think of it as that
Time will prove us wrong
Time is a dickweed

We smoke, hunched or reclined
Kid is in the house, watching a show
Talking shit, apprehensive
She's a good kid
Energetic, swinging from a crossbar
I don't know where it goes from here
But there's still snow on the gronud
There's a lot of time for other things
And pobody's nerfect and time's on our side
And I'm glad I trekked here

Thursday, May 10, 2018

You left
I am still adjusting
I am going to be adjusting for a while, I think
And that's going to have to be okay

But it wasn't just you
This time there was something else I lost
And I guess I understand, or
I don't have to understand

Maybe in time I'll get some simulcrum of what I had
What gift was given to me that I never acknowledged as a gift until it was too late and that damage had been done and there was no going back or coming back or being back

I can't believe your mom unfollowed me on instagram

Monday, April 23, 2018

I'm sitting in my car in my driveway
Because I think that when I get out of my car and go into my house
There will be more day happening
And I am not mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually
(all four, I remembered all four!)
Prepared for more day to happen right now
The longer I sit in my car in my driveway
The more the chances increase
That my daughter comes to the window and notices me there
And texts and asks me why I am doing what I am doing
And saying "I am tired, I am trying to have a moment to not exist"
Is a difficult thing to say to anyone
least of all a legal dependant
Or that my landlord who lives below me
And is not home right now
Pulls into the driveway next to me
And wants to talk about something that is a thing
And I am no-thing-een
And any words to a human being right now will break the spell
What I would like to do most of all is nothing
But I'm sorta damned if I do, et ceterra
And I have to pee

Thursday, August 24, 2017

I don't know what crackers are made of
Flour, I guess?
Flour and salt?

I don't know what makes things good or bad
Flowers and salt
Flowers don't taste good
These flowers aren't making me thirsty

Sometimes bad happens
Sometimes a bunch
And sometimes there's good
And sometimes there's crackers
Or biscuits or foods that I don't know how to properly pronounce
Sometimes food can be food
Good can be good
Things can be things

Sometimes you begin to write a poem about crackers and it ends up mostly not being about crackers
Sometimes crackers are a metaphor
Sometimes you should look up what makes a strong metaphor versus a weak metaphor
Sometimes you shrug and say "accept my joy as it is, muddled and quiet and half-not-functional and I'm sure I can tie it back to my thesis statement given more time"

Crackers? For breakfast?
No that's not tying it back
But I also had something about not being a cracker artisan, and so it wasn't crucial that I know what makes up a cracker
Which tied it up more, but felt dumb

Anyway what's up with weird tiny hard bread amirite

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

I was getting what we needed, y'know,
for the next few days
when I full-on realized
it's not just for the next few days
it's every day, now


there isn't a break, any end point
and, huh, that scares the hell out of me
I'm not on a team, I don't have backup
and, who whoa
this isn't a punishment
this is life, dude


this fucking week, huh?
but next week
and the week after that
et ceterraaaaaaa
they'll be a thing, too
things'll keep thinging
and I'll keep meing
even on the other days
every day, now

Monday, February 6, 2017

Life is a poorly written story

If you look it at through the lens of story structure

Is your whole life rising action up until the climax where you do something neat right before you die?

Do you climax early (heyoooooo) and then spend the rest of your life coasting towards your denoument?

Does your life have a single inciting incident? Something that kicks off the entire adventure? Just one thing that you can point to and say “that’s it, that’s where my story really began”?

That sounds dreadfully boring, to have one long-ass story that takes an entire lifetime to tell

And to only have a single story in you, even if it’s a really good one

So maybe it’s a bunch of short stories?

Here’s where this part started (and it’s muddled, because there aren’t really abrupt ends, and everything just sort of slides into each other), here’s what happened in this story, here’s how this story ends, here’s the resolution and what’s changed

Or maybe your life isn’t any stories, maybe your life’s just a life! And it’s yours! It’s yours, you fool! It’s the only thing that really will ever belong to you! So stop trying to shape your life to form a narrative, or you’ll just end up with a bunch of poorly written stories, even if your life is really good.

Oh look, I did a period, there, as if to make a point, even though, between you and me, it was really just an accidental period.

That one right there was on purpose, though

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

I'm real angry, Sassy
That's a funny enough place to start
I'm angry and jealous and lonely and sad
Because I don't get to go to sleep and skip the year
Or zone out and just let it happen around me

I'm real angry, Sassy
Because everyone's already engaged
I'm angry and jealous and lonely and sad
And I don't want to work hard for it
And I haven't seen the hard work that everyone else has put in
Just the end result of a status update with a ring icon

I'm real angry, Sassy
Because everyone is stupid but me
Which is what I say as I burn my own house down
And by house I mean two bedroom apartment
When what I would like has more bedrooms
A backyard
And a washer-dryer combo

I'm real angry Sassy
And now you're licking yourself
Ick, it's audible

Monday, December 5, 2016

Shoot sadness in the fucking face

Give anxiety a Michinoku Driver

Pull loneliness' shirt up over its head and
 punch it on the crown of its head

Push ennui down a flight of stairs

Hold all of your worries and troubles by the 
throat over the edge of a tall tall building and 
say a great one-liner before dropping them

Throw a Kienzan at not being able to sleep 
at night and spending hours on the couch during 
the day waiting to go to bed and not sleep

Scream at insecurity and secret shame as you 
crouch over it and choke its life out

Say something really mean to not 
being happy, that'll learn it

Monday, November 7, 2016

Coming home from the third show third month
A band I loved half a lifetime ago
Being surprised that I know all the words
Being surprised that I'm being surprised

Home again step on the cat
She's too dark to see

Apologize and sleep on the couch
Move to bed at six in the morning
Strip to underwear catch my reflection
Older, unflattering, ponchy and hairy

This is who I've been all along
Still sad about it

It's still cold in there so I wrap up in the extra blanket that I had
Would rather it be a person, not a person skinned and made blanket
Somebody besides me

I had a great time, now it's a bad time
I had a great time, now it's a bad time
I distracted myself with not feeling well
I don't think I'm good at this but what else can I do

Friday, November 4, 2016

You look beautiful in the moonlight.
You look beautiful in the daylight, too.
And dusk! And dawn, when it's colder than it will be all day.
When it's early and I wake up before you and you say not to look because you have morning face and a birds' nest for hair, too.
When you're angry with me, when you're sad and it's my fault, when stuff just will not work out.
When I'm boring or say the wrong thing or am uncommunicative.
When I'm surprised to see you, just a weird fluke.
And right after that, too.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Hey dryer, thanks for working so hard
And hey fusebox, thanks for being locked
You're both just doing your job
So I can't blame you for the fact that the dryer isn't working and that my clothes are all damp

It isn't your fault that I want to look nice tomorrow, that's on me
It isn't your fault that maybe I want to impress someone, or at least put my best foot forward
That I would like to appear to not be a mess
That I would appreciate greatly being able to sustain the illusion that yea, I am Kyle
I am an adult and capable of not making an ass out of myself

But, like, I do still blame you
And I am hopeful that one day I will live in a place where I can just change the dang fuse

Friday, October 14, 2016

Hey, what are you doing?
Want to talk about that book?
How 'bout that common interest? 
Are you cold? I'm cold.
These are the boring questions I would love to be 
able to ask you, and be able to talk with you about. 
Little dumb things that don't especially matter, 
but do in the larger scheme.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

most of my favourite music is lyrically depressing
but you could dance to it
or at least smile to it
which is a shortcoming of prose writing
the saddest song in the world could be your fucking song
the average sad prose writing just makes you feel sorry for someone
so here's a break for a trumpet solo
yeah yeah yeah!

Thursday, September 15, 2016

I could keep writing about you, sure
Little tokens of affection

But the thing about tokens is that, in a literal sense, they are a thing that have no actual value other than that given to them by the place they're used.

A token isn't a quarter, a token of affection isn't concrete
So maybe I'll knock it off
But probably not

Monday, September 12, 2016

I woke up from that dream again
I woke up soaked in gore again
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed
I woke up still in my own head
I woke up inside a dream and then woke up again
I woke up already exhausted from the day that hadn't begun

I woke up remembering and taking pride in everything that I had accomplished in my sleep while simultaneously dreading everything that I wouldn't accomplish during my conscious hours

But also soaked in gore, remember that, soaked in gore.
This is a crucial detail that will become important in the future.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Steps to rebuild a face that you can't picture in your mind

1) Panic and realize that you can't remember
2) Try and get nowhere for a bit
3) Think about other faces of people, ones that you're able to remember
4) Give up and go with it for a bit, knowing it will come back
5) Give up on giving up
6) Start with the teeth
The rest of it comes really, really easily
Because yeah, you drew the smile
But that was a smile without teeth
And the teeth form the smile, the teeth give the smile life and a frame, what you need to remember
7) Hairline, eyes, eyelids, set of jaw and shape of nose and idealized colour of eyes
Pants and purse and phone case
These are not a face, but now you remember them all
8) Hi, face

Friday, August 19, 2016

roses are red
violets are violet
it's in the name
jesus christ people

roses are red
violets are blue
gender binary's fucked
let's get high and watch gravity falls

roses are red
violets are blue
spider-man's both
spider-man's poetry?

roses are flowers
violets are flowers
here are some other flowers
daisies, sunflowers, chrysanthemums

roses are red
so is my head
come back to bed
i've made some bread

roses are red
violets are blue
this is a line
this, here, is, too

Sunday, July 31, 2016

I went to that show
where I figured I'd know everyone
and I was already owly
and I knew enough people that I could be Show Kyle
bop and tap one foot and nurse a beer

and then the band played a song
that sounded like Sound System
which is certainly not an insult
but I would rather just hear Sound System

and then He appeared
One Dude Skanking

He skanked like no one was watching
at least I was, because, my dude, that was some skanking
He skanked with abandon, He skanked like the world was ending
He skanked circles around the foot tappers and boppers and beer nursers

it was pretty great

His skanking could melt the heart of the most brutal dictator
His skanking could end world hunger and give snacks to the snackless
one skank to rule them all: His
One Dude Skanking

and then the song ended and the next song didn't have that guitar riff
but that's cool, because One Dude Skanking's gotta keep moving
and I think that He'll be back
when we need him most
when we need
Doing That Thing Where You Walk And Dance To Reggae Or Ska
what do you call it?

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

I keep waiting for it to be gone
And it still isn't
So I try to ignore it

But my brain keeps pulling my eyes to it
Just there, on the other side of the door

When will this be gone? When will I not want it?
I check again
Of course it's still there

Maybe it's always going to be there
Long after any hope of it still being good
It's going to be there, taunting me

Fred, eat your hummus that's in the staff fridge
It's been like a month, come on

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I've learned to fear the heights of feeling good
Because, boom, there's the crash
The crest and the and orange juice
I don't know how that happened

Get into work
My voice is cracking from not being used
Exercise it, socialize
Open up a little to strangers
Go for a walk, it's actually nice out
Even if it is an uneventful walk
Go home, feed the cat, feed the me
Draw for a commission, go for a drink

Was it the women nattering away in the booth next to me?
With their incessant, cackling, laughter
Was it that the guy with the fade/manbun combo?
He was confident and handsome and a creator
Was it the walk and seeing the same damned car?
Important reminder, that thing you fucked up
Was it Men In Black?

Maybe I'm just tired
Sure I'm tired
But I wrote this last week
And put it in the buffer
So maybe I feel better this week
And the sun's out
And I don't crash

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The wind doesn't cut into me right now
I went for a walk and the wind was pushing and punching
Shoving me, trying to knock me over
It was screaming at me like it was angry with me
But it couldn't cut me
It's not a winter wind anymore
It's like the real anger, the real drive, went out of it
It's not what it could be, replaced with something
Almost just taunting
Kinda impotent
In the summer it will be sometimes hard to bike against
And it will make me tired
And when I walk it woll make my jacket or sweater or whatever incessantly blow in a contrary direction
And rip my headphones out of my ears
But it won't cut me
It won't cut me for months
So push and punch if it makes you feel better
You stupid, stupid wind

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

there is going to come a point when I never see you again
and maybe that point has already come!
I... I hope not
but I was thinking earlier today
when I caught the bus to catch the plane out of town
and saw a car that looked like yours but had the old lady driver
that you might up and leave and I wouldn't know until after the fact
until after it was too late to do anything
but it's been too late for a while
so if you leave
tell me
and tell me that Windsor is nice
or Victoria is nice
or that you still would talk

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Summer Nights!

I want it to be hot, muggy, the air thick and smelling like how Mississauga smells in my memory, like there are pools everywhere

I want to be outside and sticky and not worried about a coat, and to be on my third t-shirt of the day, walking

I want to walk until I need (NEED) to sit down on a curb for, just, like, five minutes, maybe seven, and to have the optiom to do that

4% battery holding out until I'm almost home so that I have to sing to myself for entertainment the last little bit

Don't fall asleep until 5:30 am, pantlegs wet with dew, please be dew

Wake up already warm, thirsty

I'm already sick of the sun, but I'll miss it in January

Just like I miss lots of things that I don't appreciate at the timeHEY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SUMMER HERE

Gonna walk a flask on down to the corner store and make a hobo colada at the slurpee machine

I want to listen to crickets, walk next to a skunk, worry when I see teenagers that are probably worried when they see me

Watch the sunrise from the other side of a wall in bed and be thankful for summer fucking nights

Monday, February 1, 2016

burn yourself because
heck, yourself doesn't feel that
even if they do

burn yourself because
hey, don't hurt anyone else
only you forever

jesus, wow, bleak though
but you have said it before
the clock is ticking

you've got two years, tops
where ████ will call someone "mom"
instead of their name

two years is a lot
two years ago i was ████
and things were so ████

so I guess who knows
in two years, things might be great
█ ████ ███ ██████

Sunday, January 17, 2016

I talked with the one that got away
With three dear friends that I never will reconnect with
With my best friend that got away and I never will reconnect with

I talked about comics and music and industry shit
With so many people about art and creating and everything
And it might be too much

I talked to my cat and she was indifferent
Except for when it came to kneading my stomach
And was it time to eat? Yes? Me eat meat now?

I talked to my daughter and she told me that my music was garbage
But she is twelve
She doesn't know, she thinks that garbage is gold and taste is forever

I am so happy that I could talk to all of them
And now I wait for the crash

Monday, January 11, 2016

What I said was you had been on my mind
What I didn't say was a day hadn't gone by when you weren't
Because I didn't want to seem weird
Even though we both know I am

What I said was I like having someone to talk to 
What I didn't say was I want to do that all the time
Because who says that? Who pulls something like that?
Who puts someone else in a position like that?

I didn't say that I still missed you, or that I was sorry for ruining everything and I was scared that it couldn't ever be fixed, or even that I looked for you when I was out walking, as if seeing you pass by would change anything besides giving me butterflies

What I said was take care
And I meant that
As much as I could
I want a muse
Because my muse right now is that I am without mine
And that makes for a very sorry muse

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

and that’s a huge bummer
was it kinda nice to see me smile?
throw my better self overboard
shoot at him when he comes up for air
oh let me tell you about my operation
let's go on a crime spree together
let me tell you what a fool I've been
the last of the assholes
you're like an ikea hot dog, i can't resist you
should I'd have stayed at home indoors?
i think i can, i think i can, i think i can, i think i can
things will get better once we leave the winter far behind

Sunday, December 13, 2015

I finally got to go to a show
This week has been absurd
I don't know the band, I'm not a metal fan
But it's loud enough that I don't have to talk much
So that's pretty great
This week, you guys
I need the next week to sleep
Get into my cocoon
Maybe grow wings, shed skins, etc.
I can't stay asleep without feeling guilty
And having dreams that make me feel dumb
And I can't stay in bed without rolling myself into a hug machine-type position
And I keep meaning to look up if that's a thing or a coping mechanism or why I keep doing it
Welcome to no haikus ever, which I only ever write in when I've had a few
Life is acceptably good
Because let's not be greedy
Let's not be greedy and a jerk
Pick one
Pick being a jerk, if you're already very skilled at being a jerk
Fifteen dollar cover?
I could have had pizza
I AM a jerk!

Thursday, October 15, 2015

A parking lot on Redwood where there is now a large modern church, too drunk, breath hot and terrible
I don't remember, but I remember you called me a dreamboat at the show
The front steps of FWCI, because you said you wanted to
Kristin's couch, because I wanted to
And again I don't remember, but I remember cucumber and balsamic vinegar
Red paint peeling off of the walls of your room like latex and singing that Sublime song too much
Everything but kissing you while not watching Pan's Labyrinth, and that strawberry top, and never ever fighting
I remember you sharing the book you were writing on a google doc and an insistence on gum to kill the smell of cigarettes
Under the streetlight by the record shop, and seeing you all the time despite never seeing you ever before we met
And too fast after the haunted house, because I thought that I had to, because that's how these things work
Though let's be fair, look at all this, I'm still working on figuring out how things work

Monday, August 10, 2015

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

it's not you, it's me
it's a little you, but it's mostly me
look, it's us, it's this whole thing of you and me at the same time
at some point we're going to let you know that it's pretty much you
but we're trying to be nice about it for now
because we know how fragile you are
and that you are afraid that you're going to be alone
and that you hate it because you're afraid
so you get cynical and pissy
like, all the time
but it's me
really, bud

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

all the funny white guys wear cardigans
and roll their sleeves up
and have that high on the sides haircut
and beards
and oh no i do too
i thought i was a snowflake
people why didn't you tell me
why didn't you tell me that i'm not a snowflake
and that i'm just another funny white guy
shit people i thought you had my back
fuck people
what do i do
i am freaking out here

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Is it weird that she smelled like cherry pop-tarts?
Is it weird that that's the thing that stuck with me?
Is it weird that I would rather have that scent overwhelm just the one sense,
Scents scense, 'til I'm scentsless
Than just eat a goddamned pop-tart?
Smell is to wanting as taste is to having
I suppose it is.
Weird, that is.
Well, rats.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Ode to the Refractory Period

Get up, I say, it's time to get to work
But you are both exhausted and a jerk
You lie there, as if you laboured so hard
And frankly, you've been given your reward

I doth protest, come on, we're needed here
There's other things I can do, that is clear
I've other tools at my disposal, true
But I could always use some help from you

It's been fifteen minutes at this point, now
"You lazy dick," I curse; you say "and how"
You're making me look bad, I hope you know
And so I must explain, with words I show:

"My dear, it's science, elementary
You see, this period's refractory."

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Tickets go on sale on Friday
And I am going as far away as I can
To a place where no one knows me
And so I can shout in the middle of the street
In the middle of the night
In the middle of the day, even
Fuck it, let's day shout
I'll say to myself
I will shout to myself
And someone will likely shout back 
So I will put my headphones in and walk away briskly

I will buy shoes
Because I'm always wearing right through them
And it's okay until there's a wet day
And then I don't walk, I just goosh
Just straight gooshin', here
What kind of shoes does a thirty year old man buy?
Is there something fancier than velcro?
I will take three, please

I am going to know all of the words to all of the songs
And I might need to run into the bathroom at some point
Because I will be hyperventilating or having a panic attack
What do you do when your short-sighted goals are accomplished
And you realize that in the morning you are going to have to face reality
A more-or-less unchanged person than you were when you set that goal?

And I will come back hoarse and tired
Maybe even a little hung over
But likely just tired
And sit on the edge of my bed

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Let's say you really wanted ice cream
Like, ice cream was the only thing you wanted
Chocolate ice cream, let's be serious here
No one ever say that all they want is vanilla
You're not allowed to have chocolate ice cream

You could try to get chocolate ice cream
I mean, there's that corner store
It isn't that far from where you are
But that corner store has a really high robbery rate
Some guy got killed there a little while back
So if you try to get chocolate ice cream from that store
There's a high chance that you'll be maimed or killed
At the very least, there might not even be any there
And then you'll have nothing anyway

But, man oh man, do you want that chocolate ice cream
So you wait, hoping that maybe someone will bring you some
I imagine you're aware of how likely that is
But what other recourse do you have

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss my ex-girlfriend
But chocolate ice cream has its own life that it needs to live

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

the last box of my ex-girlfriend's stuff
the only box
some tights and socks and a toothbrush
a towel that she used to refluff all of her stuff
before moving those clothes to her new place
and it really shouldn't bother me
because it's not like this was ever her place
and now i've got an extra drawer's worth of space
and it only bothers me enough that i have to think about it
and it was never really seven years
and if i focus on this then i'll get sad
which is dumb
but here we are, so i guess i'll just learn
how to do a backflip instead of acknowledging my feelings

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Tweets from the bus

"Let's get this terrible party started"
Plays just as the last bus pulls up
That's funny

Eight guys, two girls
One trans?  Drag queen?  Does it especially matter?
Oh, I suppose not

There goes one of the girls, off the bus
Bar was nice
Caddyshack was on
Sknny brian doyle murray is weird to see

The other girl got off the bus at the graveyard
Maybe she works at lu radio
I mean, lu radio is right there
No, she is going into the graveyard

Her head keeps swivelling so that her gaze meets mine
Which is strange, because there are several buildings separating our hypothetical gazes

But I can still feel it, and feelings never lie

Also, heads shouldn't swivel quite that far

Oh, she says to come and bring blood
Sorry, typo: beer
She says that she said beer, not blood

I heard blood, but whatever
Weird that I heard it in my fillings

Going to the graveyard to graveyard fuck, I guess
Will send the deets later