a goose
a beaver
22 minutes/red green/air farce
a tragically hip song
rick mercer
don cherry
colin mochrie
bryan adams on the phone
kevin macdonald or mark mckinney
tim hortons
roll up the rim
okay, there's the cancon
now we can write poems
and not get in trouble
you're welcome, government

everything has to be a glass full of lemons
and everything has to be a down note
and it's not like things will get better
until they do
which is sometime in the future
accompanied by silver shoulder pads
and requisite flying cars

external locus
is the term, i suppose
it best sums up what'll make me happy
popcorn, scrabble, movies
"picnic" isn't necessary code for cunnilingus
though i suppose "snack" is
so there's that

i miss trees
real trees have leaves, not needles
trees with needles are kids stuff
like putting your voice in a build-a-bear
ronny cordova says you're gay
but he means it in that "gay=lame" sort of way
which isn't cool, but still, it happens

may will be a good month
remind me in may
to have fun
and smile
and laugh a joker laugh
and dance a travolta dance
and fight like the wind
which i assume involves a lot of blowing on opponents
let's hope they get uncomfortable, due to all the blowing
and leave the fight
because that counts as a victory, right?
of course
of course

it's a coat made of skin
it's totally a coat made of skin
how can that guy get away with that?
is this the society that we live in?
where a man can just wear a coat made of skin
out in public?

it's not like he's even being subtle about it
he's damn near flaunting it
and i hate to belabour the point
but come on
it's a coat made of skin

i won't talk about his odd haircut
like a mohawk
but just on the back of his head
or his goatee on the front
like a front/back symmetry
that may be the frightening type
but not nearly as frightening as
well, y'know

or his dog, which may or may not
be the dog from some non-cujo
stephen king novella

or his girlfriend, who may or may not
be the girl from some fever dream
where you end up falling asleep
on a couch in a public place

i guess what i'm trying to say
and let's be blunt
is let's all just have a little modesty
and stop terrifying people
with your coat made of skin

yours in christ,
the guy you scared at the coffee shop

you dropkicked your way into my heart
on brawlentines day
you hit my senses with a barbwire bat
on brawlentines day
you dislocated my shoulder and i lost a couple teeth
on brawlentines day
maybe we should see other people

"voldemort's cousin": first album tracklist

welcome to grapes (radio edit)
kurt russell's beard
franz f#@ked spike from degrassi
between the bricks
just what is duck confit
blues brothers is mutual
voldemort is maris
you're one ugly motherf*!ker
the second time i shot you in the face
secret jacket (i hate your jacket)
nicaragua*

*bonus track

i was thirteen when my grandfather died
but i think he would have been a good guy to know during my teen years
when i was, admittedly, pretty stupid
i quasi-inherited three plaid button-ups from him
two predominantely red, the other dark greens
forest green has been my favourite colour for as long as i can remember

the first red shirt, made up of thick, blocky lines
was thrown out during a post-teenage culling of clothes
i had a lot of useless clothes
and the fact that i incessently used those iron on t-shirt things
to make awful shirts
did not help

the second shirt, the earthy green one
started losing buttons, like an alzheimer's case losing focus and memory
it simply could not keep track of them
and the shirt itself, likely around age fifty
was not in the greatest of shapes to begin with
and so out it went

the third shirt, red, white, black, thin lines
is still with me to this day
but its collar has become frayed on the right side
like it's the two-face of collars
and there are tiny holes in the back of it
near the bottom

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then my throat would feel awesome
and i wouldn't have the constant taste
of cherry halls in my mouth

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then i wouldn't be awake
after sleeping the evening away
on a loveseat, not a couch

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then the zipper on these pants would work
and not slide halfway down
making me look constantly ridiculous

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then i would have realized early on
that i could just copy and paste
the first line of each of these stanzas

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then we wouldn't need a batman
because we would all have batman
right here (i'm pointing at my heart)

aw dream girl
you went offline
what a shame
a missed moment
to shout things
and feel like
well, there's shouting
shouting must mean
i'm worth of
a little time
and time, well
time is great
i'll take time
to take abuse
which is silly
but then, well
i did decide
to go outside
have a smoke
play it cool
like the aquabats
in that song
playing it cool
which i guess
sums up me
if you give it
just one listen
think you'll here
me being me
through being cool
like two other
songs i like
devo and jawbreaker
i'm so bad
at writing poems
wait a second
wasn't this blog
meant to ha-ha
the shitty poetry
that permeates blogs
throughout the internet
and now what
now i'm writing
serious garbage?

focus
i'm lacking
when i think
i would enjoy some
focus

i would not eat a urinal cake
i'm not going to say never
i mean gun to my head
of course
two hundred dollars
probably
they're not allowed to tape it
two hundred dollars can buy things
and we all need things
am i right
of course i'm right
people need to eat
you can't survive
otherwise
water is more or less free
great country for that
public water
has my unwavering support
so yeah
i guess i'd mow down on one
wait
what just happened