day one, slight limp
i will persevere
a limp adds character
calvin's dad would agree

day two, i should not walk
i have been robbed of my joy
and i strut like some horrible frankenstein's monster
brought to life by coffee and plaid
too little lightning

will i end up in a wheelchair?
will i end up in a morgue?
is it gangrenous?
is it cancerous?
oh lord, take this cancerous leg and grant me a peg
pirates are still in, as unlikely as that seems

day three, is that a bruise?
day three, marry me
day three, let me crawl inside you and sleep on top of your heart
you validate the pain
and that is all i could ever ask of anything
a day or a woman or a detergent brand

day four, to be determined
i hope it will not offer miracles
because to struggle and persevere would make this worthwhile
or at least worth writing about
or at least worth writing poorly about

it might as well be china
i might as well be digging through the earth
that would be just as quick, just as effective
oh, be a doll
a china doll

you be as forward as i'd like
as much as i'd never be
it's more efficient that way, frankly
and first moves only go well in tic-tac-toe
and this is slightly more complicated
it's connect four
or SOS

i can't dig to china
not from this angle
i would end up in the indian ocean
off the coast of adélie land
where they have penguins
which i suppose is a plus

four: snow and rain and a spiderweb on my face at the end
five: the bike comes out and i look for work that would come if i looked harder
six: keep trying, but i'm distracted by how poorly these shirts all fit
seven: the disgraceful routine of sleeping late and feeling bad about it
eight: five in the morning and the grass is wet and i should sleep
nine: i will be doing this until i am a real, card-carrying grown-up
ten: a thousand costumes; it's worth it to stay up late for the great pumpkin
eleven: when will the real snow come?
twelve: the days aren't really that short at all, and the house is claustrophobic
one: this is the year of our lord and saviour jesus shame
two: the cold will never let up and i swear at it when i think no one is watching
three: everyone is born, and i have nothing for them

i have go-to lines
bits, catchphrases

i think that the bridge of paradise by the dashboard light is a great thing
for a woman to sing
at the last moment pre-coitus

when a joke fails horribly, i say that it needs work

and i like to give little shout-outs to the ladies
because some people really seem to enjoy that

if we're parting, i will instruct you to have fun
and you had better

if you wear a black v-neck t-shirt
then congratulations
i will call you ricky gervais

i use dinger as an explitive more often than any grown man really ought to

but there's more to me than that
right?
ladies?

on the first day, i didn't miss you
i was excited
and everything seemed new
endless possibilities
and a small trinket to remember you by

on the second day, there was a bit of pain
there was an unfamiliar roughness to everything
and i started thinking
maybe i had made a mistake

on the third day, i caught a good look at myself in the mirror
what i had become
it made me sick to my stomache
but i knew there was no going back
irrepairable, inconceivable

on the fourth day, i tried to adjust
but i wasn't fooling anyone
and i wasn't fooling myself

it's the fifth day, and i miss you
i miss you more than anything
and i can't wait until you come back

if you love something, cut it right off of your face
and if it grows back, then it was meant to be
i miss my beard

try harder
were the words that they said
they said it more times than i'd like to remember
if i had to guess just how many times they said it
i'm pretty sure i'd have to
try harder