left pocket ipod
right pocket wallet
left pocket cigarettes
right little pocket lighter
who keeps their wallet in their back pocket
grown up men?
not i!

so, bag
left pocket cigarettes
right pocket wallet
well, back and front pocket
it depends on the bag's orientation
laptop in the middle
notebook, gum, misc. in the front
lord help me if i have to take my sweater off
lord help me if a i start drinking
because then nothing goes back where it should

the same hardest-of-the-hardcore belt for twelve years now
falling apart, but still better than any replacement
sleeves rolled up
cord to the right, ipod and coffee to the left

comfort, comfort, comfort
nervous tics!

i don't eat meat
but there are absolutely animals that i would eat
i would do it with gusto

let's start this off with a childhood dream: a mammoth
this is a real thing that can be eaten
there are some out there still, flash frozen, waiting for a fork
hp sauce, garlic potatoes, asparagus, and, I dunno, some kind of grog

i've never eaten grasshopper
i know, i know
starting off with the best zord, and then following it up with a bug
pretty weak sauce, mister
but there would have to be extenuating circumstances
on top of a mountain, or in a sweat lodge, or something
something battered, something blue

crocodile
on a grilled bun
the bun has to be grilled
i feel like this is crucial

never an okapi or a platypus
first of all, i would rather eat a giraffe and a zebra than a giraffe-zebra
okapis are, simply put, the best that the animal kingdom has to offer
and why would i eat a platypus?
they're poisonous, electric monotremes, people
not a whole lot of monotremes left
and i'm no monster

a business man
if it were a life or death situation
i mean, who's more valuable to the world?
the guy that writes awful prose, that's who
i know you'll agree with me

and, as long as we're on the topic of cannibalism:
a piece of jim croce or john belushi or phil hartman
had they been properly preserved
i mean, that body's not being used, right?
i'm not eating their soul, just their soooooouuuuul

i wish i was an ice cream savant
like that guy from city slickers

another wrecked song
too many wrecked songs
i simply can't hear it
and it was new to me

and here's another one
another one that got wrecked
ruined, smashed, unplayable
i tried, and i just can't
but, but--!

there's a cover
a happier one
one that i can play
tongue-in-cheek, fun, not too serious
and i can listen to that

i can listen to it over and over
and laugh and laugh
and so i try the original

and maybe it's just too soon
and maybe you're such a you!

holy moses, other poets
other poets know it
i do not

i thought i could write poetry
stick to writing in panels, sweetie
stick to making disposable humour
that stays well past its expiration date

who was i kidding?
why would i do such a thing on a whim?
the impulse buy of website creation
it's a skor bar and a bunch of horoscopes
but, you know how we are
scorpios

isn't poetry supposed to be deeply personal?
don't you just write horrible things instead?
horrible as in cruel, not as in an affront on the senses
you do that too
occasionally

hey, you do both
wait, wait

wait

that's the point?
awful things?
just, the worst?
oh noetry, and all that?
things that would make a vogon stand up and say "i'm going to sit back down, now"?

oh, okay
glad we got that sorted out
updates wednesday and friday, folks
give us a kiss

no, julie
listen
you have to listen
this is important

you need to just sit down
stop it
don't walk away from me
this is not your decision

you think this is easy for me?
you think i like doing this?
i have to be the bad guy?
and you just get to
sit, sit down, i'm not finished
and you just get to ignore my feelings?

it's not fair to me
i do everything for you
i'm the one at work all day
what do you even do during the day?

i think the trust is gone
and you're going to have to do something to earn it back
you can't just
no
you can not
this is not over

julie!
sit down!
come back here!
julie!

i guess i'm not a cat person either, is what i'm trying to say

what is it this week?
what's trending
better check
so i can be every bit as mad as everyone
or as silly
or as whooping insane

how long until oprah retires?
i'd better know
i don't want to be out of the loop
is that even possible at this point?
or is that impossibility just my fault

i'm not above the mob
i'm not smarter than anyone else
but i'm smarter than me
except when i'm not
which is a lot of the time