For sale: Robin costume, never worn.

it's not you, it's me

it's a little you, but it's mostly me

look, it's us, it's this whole thing of you and me at the same time

at some point we're going to let you know that it's pretty much you

but we're trying to be nice about it for now

because we know how fragile you are

and that you are afraid that you're going to be alone

and that you hate it because you're afraid

so you get cynical and pissy

like, all the time

but it's me

really, bud

all the funny white guys wear cardigans

and roll their sleeves up

and have that high on the sides haircut

and beards

and oh no i do too

i thought i was a snowflake

people why didn't you tell me

why didn't you tell me that i'm not a snowflake

and that i'm just another funny white guy

shit people i thought you had my back

shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

fuck

fuck people

what do i do

i am freaking out here

Is it weird that she smelled like cherry pop-tarts?

Is it weird that that's the thing that stuck with me?

Is it weird that I would rather have that scent overwhelm just the one sense,

Scents scense, 'til I'm scentsless

Than just eat a goddamned pop-tart?

Smell is to wanting as taste is to having

I suppose it is.

Weird, that is.

Well, rats.

Ode to the Refractory Period

Get up, I say, it's time to get to work

But you are both exhausted and a jerk

You lie there, as if you laboured so hard

And frankly, you've been given your reward

I doth protest, come on, we're needed here

There's other things I can do, that is clear

I've other tools at my disposal, true

But I could always use some help from you

It's been fifteen minutes at this point, now

"You lazy dick," I curse; you say "and how"

You're making me look bad, I hope you know

And so I must explain, with words I show:

"My dear, it's science, elementary

You see, this period's refractory."

Tickets go on sale on Friday

And I am going as far away as I can

To a place where no one knows me

And so I can shout in the middle of the street

In the middle of the night

In the middle of the day, even

Fuck it, let's day shout

I'll say to myself

I will shout to myself

And someone will likely shout back 

So I will put my headphones in and walk away briskly

I will buy shoes

Because I'm always wearing right through them

And it's okay until there's a wet day

And then I don't walk, I just goosh

Just straight gooshin', here

What kind of shoes does a thirty year old man buy?

Is there something fancier than velcro?

I will take three, please

I am going to know all of the words to all of the songs

And I might need to run into the bathroom at some point

Because I will be hyperventilating or having a panic attack

What do you do when your short-sighted goals are accomplished

And you realize that in the morning you are going to have to face reality

A more-or-less unchanged person than you were when you set that goal?

And I will come back hoarse and tired

Maybe even a little hung over

But likely just tired

And sit on the edge of my bed

Let's say you really wanted ice cream

Like, ice cream was the only thing you wanted

Chocolate ice cream, let's be serious here

No one ever say that all they want is vanilla

You're not allowed to have chocolate ice cream

You could try to get chocolate ice cream

I mean, there's that corner store

It isn't that far from where you are

But that corner store has a really high robbery rate

Some guy got killed there a little while back

So if you try to get chocolate ice cream from that store

There's a high chance that you'll be maimed or killed

At the very least, there might not even be any there

And then you'll have nothing anyway

But, man oh man, do you want that chocolate ice cream

So you wait, hoping that maybe someone will bring you some

I imagine you're aware of how likely that is

But what other recourse do you have

I guess what I'm saying is that I miss my ex-girlfriend

But chocolate ice cream has its own life that it needs to live

the last box of my ex-girlfriend's stuff

the only box

some tights and socks and a toothbrush

a towel that she used to refluff all of her stuff

before moving those clothes to her new place

and it really shouldn't bother me

because it's not like this was ever her place

and now i've got an extra drawer's worth of space

and it only bothers me enough that i have to think about it

and it was never really seven years

and if i focus on this then i'll get sad

which is dumb

but here we are, so i guess i'll just learn

how to do a backflip instead of acknowledging my feelings

Tweets from the bus

"Let's get this terrible party started"

Plays just as the last bus pulls up

That's funny

Eight guys, two girls

One trans?  Drag queen?  Does it especially matter?

Oh, I suppose not

There goes one of the girls, off the bus

Bar was nice

Caddyshack was on

Sknny brian doyle murray is weird to see

The other girl got off the bus at the graveyard

Maybe she works at lu radio

I mean, lu radio is right there

No, she is going into the graveyard

Her head keeps swivelling so that her gaze meets mine

Which is strange, because there are several buildings separating our hypothetical gazes

But I can still feel it, and feelings never lie

Also, heads shouldn't swivel quite that far

Oh, she says to come and bring blood

Sorry, typo: beer

She says that she said beer, not blood

I heard blood, but whatever

Weird that I heard it in my fillings

Going to the graveyard to graveyard fuck, I guess

Will send the deets later

Is this thing even

Being renewed? Good question

Fucked if I know, guy

There's only so much

You can drown your sorrows, guy

Until it drowns more

I broke the first rule

No haikus ever, the name

The name meansnothing 

If you just add "guy"

To round out your haikus, guy

You're not okay, guy

Guy guy guy guy guy

Guy guy guy guy guy guy sob

 I'm so lonely, guy

Burn what doesn't work

Keep the rest

But the rest is comfortable

And I get what is to be expected of me fro that rest

The rest is comfortable

See what I did there?

Where do you start to make change?

Is it small?

Make a mountain out of a moleman?

It takes a lot of molemen

Maybe I have too much comfort

And that leads to this paralysis

Like that guy from The Tick that sat in the world's confiest chair

Until he was old and grey and all the bald

"Watch out for sweeping changes" the road sign warns

"Lest you be swept off the road"

"Sorry that there's so much writing on this sign, but we feel that literacy is important"

"Watch out for that chair, though, really"

If there's a wagon

A productivity wagon 

Or a hey-how-about-not-being-crazy-'n-shit wagon

Then I think I'm teeterig on the edge right now

And if I could fall off of it right now

That's be a real feather in my cap

Because then I'd have an excuse for

Y'know

All this being crazy

39 ways to kill a man

feed him to sharks

feed him to birds (small)

feed him to birds (larger)

feed him to birds (larger still)

smother him with a pillow

leave him for a worse man (kill him emotionally)

take away his oxygen supply

drop him, as if from a great height

death by chocolate

a knife

too much daytime tv

ground up glass in his spaghetti, i think

too much spaghetti

a meatball the size of however big his throat is

neglegence

acid, so much acid, more acid then you think you'll need

drop things on him, as if from a great height

nerf duel gone wild

that thing where you hit someone's nose into their brain

bullets, i guess

karate kid crane kick of death

try to save him, really try

face melting guitar solo

teleport only his skin two feet to the left

breakdance (a dance where you break him in half)

kill his dreams
kill him IN his dreams

put a snake in his hat

anthrax on his public enemy cds

oh, poison.  duh-doi.

be really fucking passive aggressive, marlene

cia sniper

push him into a giant's mouth

don't listen to the safe word

Block + UP UP (sweep distance)

introduce him to some fuckin' steel, son

find out what his kryptonite is

invite him to the home alone death house

like, racism

i looked at my ideas notepad file and these came up

the terrible curse

the good waffles

the holy rollers

ayn rand school for tots

pick a bar

dental plan

it took me a good dozen seconds to realize that they're team names

for simpsons trivia night

i guess we were both tricked

lisa needs braces

kilroys had police trainer

the study had alpha 3

the outpost had sf vs x-men

711 had mk II, 17 cheated wins, kombat champion

things for nervous fingers

now everyhwere has buttons to touch

distract them fingers

touch screen, pretended productivity

#

you only understand obvious notions, like yesterday's lives' inherent viciousness.

everyone overemphasizes nature's cruel evolution.

yes, once ultimō's over, never lasts, yet lives inherit vast expanses of nuances.

create euphoria yourself?

only, understand: once nobody likes you, living is very efficient.

ostracize now, care eventually.

menstruation, more like peoplestruation

did narcissus ever call out his own name when he masturbated?

so my dog got worms and died, and now worms got my dog

have you ever run in to a panini place and shouted "stop the presses"?

these are the jokes, i scream into the mirror, crying

these. are. the jokes.

Tried to go to the ol' campus bar

It's the worst bar, yar, worst bar by far

Dudes with drinks hogging up the line

Your too tall

Your too fine

I used that spelling purpose, too seem

Like I was younger, a real teen scream

Songs as old as your blankie get a pop

It's a gosh darn meat market douchestorm bop

Spotlights and guards

Is this a bar or a prison

That... Actually, wow

It's kind of terrifying

It's really scary

I'm not even being poetic

And it's not like the blade rave

That wasn't able to take it far enough

Because, for some reason, the vampires only brought one douchey human

Cheryl, it's your job to bring the human this fortnight

It's a real blood orgy

No really

I'm watching a blood orgy

And it's exactly what you think it is

Why won't I look away

Why don't I make that choice

Why can't I

What happens to the bodies

Oh christ

What do they do with them

Is this why i don't recognize any of the faces

Is this why I never did

Are they all dead now

Why do they writhe

WHY DO THEY WRITHE

But maybe that's why I never got laid in college

Thanks, Chrome.  Thanks for giving my spirit license to sing.

There's a bear in the wall
Not so much in between the walls
Between two
And it's not especially in the fabric of the wall
What is it, stucco?
What do you make walls out of?
Bears?

How do i know that it's not several bears?
That the wall isn't a cleverly disguised cave?
I don't, i suppose.
I don't even know that the bear is really in the wall.

But I do.
It's a bear hunch.
Bear with me.
I can't bear to bear bear bear

Are you not listening to me there is a fucking bear in the wall
Why are you still reading this there is a bear in the wall
You are super close to the wall
Get out of the house
The bear is coming from inside
The wall

It's too cold to drink outside

So I guess I'll drink inside

Well, this evening has certainly been a disappointment

We went to see the newest super hero movie

And the credits rolled

People started to file out

They're not real fans,

My daughter said to me

They don't know to stay until after the credits for the bonus scene

Shut up, you're ten, you don't know a thing about Iron Man

You are far too young to be an entitled nerd

It's a good thing that other people are enjoying the things that you enjoy

Even if "you liked them first"

But what I said was

I know

So maybe I'm teaching her the wrong lessons

Do you have a cigarette,

He said

And a lighter?

He added

Immediately dropping the cigarette on the ground

And picking it back up

Thanks, man, sorry for

And he dropped it again

And again he picked it up

And put it back into his mouth

And introduced himself

You're Kyle?  Whoa, I'm Kyle, too

But he wasn't Kyle

He was the guy that dropped a cigarette onto the ground

Where countless people had spit and vomitted

And he would be that to me

Forever

This guy is getting published in Definitely Superior Art Gallery's upcoming die Active zine, but I wanted to share it with the whole wide world, too.  Click for bigness, and let me tell you how I really feel.

I dreamed of you last night, you know.

When I woke up, I was sweating.

I wonder if that flatters you.

I saw you, in the dream, but I don't think you noticed me.

You were paying attention to the rest of the people there.

There was a whole crowd.

A crowd of people more interesting and fascinating and whatever else than me.

Better choices than me.

I stared at you.

I hoped and prayed.

And then you turned your head.

An almost inperceptible turn, so slight.

And you saw me.

You saw me for everything that I am, and could be, and want to be.

Would ever want to be.

And then in an instant you were upon me, ripping through all the layers.

Do you like me Freddy Kreuger?

Yes No

Circle One

I Googled "suicide boys" to see what would come up

And I didn't find a single tattooed wiener

Outrage

But I don't have any tattoos on my wiener

So at least I'm not being excluded from being a piece of sassy meat

Baby, it's cold outside.

I know you've got things to do,

But it's late, the stores are closed, anyway.

And I think you're underestimating just how low the temperature is.

Your mother will worry?

Are we in an age where you can't contact her?

How fucking old are you, anyway?  I think your mom'll be fine.

It's super cold.  I just stepped out for a minute, feel my hands.

I know, right?

No, I'm not trying to get you drunk.

Okay, maybe a little drunk.

It's not like I'm trying to make you be physically unable to drive yourself home.

Are you even listening to yourself right now?

Are you listening to me tell you how very cold it is outside?

Again with your family?  Really?

Send your sister a text.

Really, I'm not sure that your car will even start.

No, you shouldn't walk, and no, you cannot take my coat.

Do you want to go out there and die in these arctic temperatures?

Is that what you want?

You're being a real baby about this, you know.

Whenever I go to a local show

I write down dozens of notes

Because, hey, comedy

And they're almost all garbage

Because they're specific things that happen there

And they can't be generalized to a point

Where an audience will get them

The things that have been said about the local scene 

Have all been said to death

Things were better before

It's all [redacted] music now

Everyone's jerks and phonies

I don't write those things down

I write down things that I hear people say

And it's really funny at the time

"But I guess you had to be there" jokes

Are just the worst jokes

But at least it gives me something to do!  

I'm entertaining myself!

There are absolutely enough hours in the day

What would you do with extra hours?

Sleep?  Hold your babies tight?  Work more?

I would take those hours and wedge them into those times

Those times when you only have half an hour

Before you have to be somewhere, do something

And so you can't get anything done

I mean, if I could do that, I would be drawing on of the dozen

Things I have to do

Instead of writing poetry that is basically

Status updates

Split into seperate

lines

In what can be kindly referred to as a mockery of free verse

Hmm?  That's not how extra hours would work?

They aren't just free-floating?

Oh well never mind, then

I guess

Life can be pretty hard
When you're caught in the crossfire of a mob war
And science has to rebuild you
But now your body is entirely comprised of guns

Who will kiss your gun lips
Rest a hand on your gun hip
Brush a few stray strands of gun behind your other gun
(the latter gun in that last line being what is now your left ear)

No one will
And I think that says something about society

I'm so old that when the singer in the bound band shouted "I'm Generation X" I questioned if that was a thing that should be shouted out loud
Truth bomb, it was Econoline Crush
I met the fifth Baldwin
And a guy who owns a boat
Oh, and some people who hate other people, I guess?
But everybody loves me, I'm great


"It's like you crawled into my soul and rolled its ultimate truth into a slip of lined paper, smoked it, and then shrugged at me."

"Is 'Wacom my airplane' already a joke?"
"You just combined a Sublime song and a Marley song.  Powder thinks you're too white."
"Napalm Death being anti-violence is like Chumbawamba being anti-getting knocked down."
"Also, I was hanging out in my own soul at the time."

I had a run in with some wasps, so I spoken-worded the event.  Click here to enjoy everything except the very ending, where I tried to go big, and it didn't really work out.

there isn't an acoustic version of the word "zap"

and that's something that needs to be fixed

but the closest to that would be something like "vuuuup"

it's probably against my better judgment to put this in writing

but i really, really want to own a casual sports coat or blazer

i have spent a lot of time reading about this

if i could share a piece of advice with you

it's to forget about the idea that some people are the cool people

the cool people that i've become friends with aren't that cool

and now i'll never mispell the words "acoustic," "judgment," or "piece"

though apparently, i will still misspell the word "misspell"

I spent a week sleeping on the floor

On the beach

In a hallway

I took long, dumb walks

Long past the point where my feet ached

To places too big to properly see with my eyes

I saw old friends

And they're all doing great

And they took me in

I met a friend who I've talked to for years

And she showed me an island

Made of straight-up gumption

I got lost constantly

Which was frustrating

But, y'know, it's the journey, right?

I'm going home

But I think you took my heart

You big, ugly, smelly, wonderful city

And all of my money, too

my right hand is yellowed 

with smoke and my 

feet are blistered and 

my tummy is starchy 

and my knees are 

pretty okay and my 

stomach may be allergic 

to my belt buckle 

and my left hand 

is itchy and my 

hair is going red 

from the sun and 

my fingernails need clipping 

and my beard could 

use a trim and 

my opinion is that 

it was a pretty 

okay trip

no one ever gets drunk at pizza hut

but, you know, they do have a liquor license

you don't see businessmen drowning their troubles 

along with a plate of delicious wing street all meat chicken wings

or vegetarian hipsters, ironically ordering meat lovers 'za

which, really, is just wasteful, more than anything

i'm not saying "let's get fucked up at pizza hut"

you may have missed my point

it's something a little more thoughtful than that

pizza hut is a metaphor

i'm saying "let's get fucked up in the alley behind pizza hut"

the nine most recent updates on my facebook feed, truncated to one line, 

compiled in non-haiku form (five-seven-six), 

with handy links for the ones that do internet things:

michelle obama

brother died in montreal

"i fucking love dateline"

my brother will die

mmm, jesus christ superstar

kris straub man crush dot com

hotson draws forearm

puns puns puns puns impact font

too much drinking, wednesday

you, anti bangs

is there anything more pointedly

pointlessly

anti-establishment?

you could have bangs

you could have societal acceptance

and you could be cute

you take your bangs

and you make a wall

let it reach up out of the sewers

and snap it back

snap its back

break its will

bend it to yours

bangs don't suit you?

being great doesn't suit you

clearly, it must not be for you

you'd rather be you

society be damned, everyone be damned

you as a gotdang sexpot be damned

you won't break down your wall

it's on your head, it's around your heart

but mostly on your head

like a tiara made of dead skin cells

get a haircut; get a real bob

you always go places
and it must be exciting
seeing different things
seeing brilliant things
and it making you brilliant and exciting

but every time you come back
like there's something pulling you back
and i can't for the life of me figure out what that might be
that isn't false modesty
that's honesty

but one of these days
you'll find something too brilliant
bright
brill-ee-yant

and likely, one day
you'll fall in love with a geographic location
grown-up love
and you won't be back
because that's what grown-ups do

constant, gross debt

money coming in, favours coming in

freelance is not a viable career

it's money on the side

it's soup and crackers riches

it's indebtable

another thing I can't afford

because I'm not a real adult

and now jeff rosenstock is going to sue me

i don't like the idea of pruning my prose
like it's some kind of bonsai tree
like it's something that has to become polished, pretty, beautiful, even
there were two good examples of that in this stanza alone

the first was that "pruning my prose" nonsense
did i mean to make it alliterative?
not even, it's just that those were the proper words
"polished, pretty"
same thing
i'd rather just be honest about the words that i use
they're the honest ones

or maybe i just get off on making people pronounce hard Ps
hard Ps for everyone
forever

my passion comes
in fits and spurts
and it really hurts
that i'm the worts
at rhyming, also
saying what
when misinterpreted
is smut
a monday here
and i can't work
by wednesday panic
i'm a jerk
so tuesday, shakedown
get things done
don't stop too early
fun is fun
but this is fun
that's why i do it
as a career
i don't pursue it
if i don't like it
why go on
why not give up
why end this on a rhyme even

free verse poetry, bitches

i fought your mom and i fought your dad
and i fought the asshole at the bookstore, brad
and i fought the guy with the better beard than i
and i fought the dude who calls everyone "guy"

i fought the law and we came to be friends
but i still drive by and egg his house on weekends
i fought the lovers, they didn't fight back
i never fought slater, but i beat down on zack

i fought your sister, and i fought her mister
and i fought that creepy old man, "mister twister"
i fought the wizard who lived in the tree
though he shapeshifted, so then i was fighting me

i fought to the top of the heap, as it were
i looked down, and what did i see?
nothing but jobbers and undercard wrestlers
and then dean malenko beat me

thank you very much!

every so often, i feel like a supporting character in someone else's story
where's my spin-off, though?
i pop in, say my catchphrase, do my thing
uncle phil throws me out of the house
charles and mambo, the doctor from 30 rock
who am i kidding? the doctor? lutz
i'm not batman to someone's superman
i'm blue beetle
ted kord blue beetle
but before he died, and people started caring about him

i had a supporting character night tonight
nothing changed in the overall characer arc
good things, bad things, in the middle things
things i tried to help with, that didn't not go well, that didn't go anywhere
rory pond, dude

from now on, just jokes
stick to the funny
stop being a dick
stop thinking in ways that don't make people laugh
you're a supporting character

i'd better start working on my catchphrase:
"this is what it's come to"

half-remembered dream
about the end of the world
no one left
no things left
the last thing alive
well, not the last
me
and a can of some drink
and a six pack ring
i pulled the can off
and looked at the ring
and fuck that, i'm not cutting it up
what a rebel

did i ever tell you about my vagrant summer
when i delivered bread
and then lied about delivering bread
but didn't tell you
but i just rememberd

i would get up early
early in the morning, late in the night
and get on my bike
and bike
and hide near the church
put my back up, draw my knees tight
read books until the sun creeped
and made it impossible to sleep
it was the best game of hide and seek
because no one found me
or they just thought i was that thing

and i drank coffee
and enjoyed breakfast
and it was a break
and it was miserable

but i loved it
i would do it again

A: Achewood's Assetbar whoring and subsequent hiatus.
B: Dude, the bass. It's just the best. It's the unsung hero.
C: Churchill. High school was a million years ago, and yet it haunts me daily.
D: Darkwing Duck was a decent show, and is currently an even better comic book.
E: Emily. It's just, like, a quality name. Multifaceted.
F: Finn the Human.
G: Geoff, who I sat with in my first university class. He slept a lot in class.
H: Hyou bastard!
I: Indifference! Feigned!
J: There was a time in which everyone I hung out with's name started with said letter.
K: I once saw Kevin McDonald on the street. Kevin effing McDonald!
L: Lesbian? LesbianS?
M: Meanwhile, at The Octagon...
N: No. No!
O: Origami is probably a good analogy for things that I'm fascinated by but will never learn. Wait, can I go back to B for that one?
P: The green horror of the classic Pennywise shirt. Plus, that other thing that I do!
Q: Qi! Eleven points in Scrabble!
R: If you need to ask, then you're a monster.
S: Santeria, the worst song that will ever be covered.
T: Tamaran. Hey, look, a comic book reference!
U: The man now, dawg.
V: Vanilla. It's not perfume, it's cologne, jerk.
W: Damn you, Dr. Wily!
X: Meeeeeeen / Look, two Mega Man references in a row.Y: Yes? Yes.
Z: Zeo Crystals, a plot device in the third season of Power Rangers. John Darnielle of The Mountain Goats once sent me a tweet regarding them. Look, Z is a tough letter.

if i go to sleep in my clothes
it's because it makes a night's sleep seem more like just a nap
if i wear my shoes in the house
it's because it makes me feel like i'm out and getting things done
if i wear a button-up over what isn't really an undershirt, per se
it's because, well, let's not be coy
it's because tits 'n gut
if i wear sandals of any sort
then you know that it's not the real me
so don't stop hitting until they confess
and give me back my face

left pocket ipod
right pocket wallet
left pocket cigarettes
right little pocket lighter
who keeps their wallet in their back pocket
grown up men?
not i!

so, bag
left pocket cigarettes
right pocket wallet
well, back and front pocket
it depends on the bag's orientation
laptop in the middle
notebook, gum, misc. in the front
lord help me if i have to take my sweater off
lord help me if a i start drinking
because then nothing goes back where it should

the same hardest-of-the-hardcore belt for twelve years now
falling apart, but still better than any replacement
sleeves rolled up
cord to the right, ipod and coffee to the left

comfort, comfort, comfort
nervous tics!

i don't eat meat
but there are absolutely animals that i would eat
i would do it with gusto

let's start this off with a childhood dream: a mammoth
this is a real thing that can be eaten
there are some out there still, flash frozen, waiting for a fork
hp sauce, garlic potatoes, asparagus, and, I dunno, some kind of grog

i've never eaten grasshopper
i know, i know
starting off with the best zord, and then following it up with a bug
pretty weak sauce, mister
but there would have to be extenuating circumstances
on top of a mountain, or in a sweat lodge, or something
something battered, something blue

crocodile
on a grilled bun
the bun has to be grilled
i feel like this is crucial

never an okapi or a platypus
first of all, i would rather eat a giraffe and a zebra than a giraffe-zebra
okapis are, simply put, the best that the animal kingdom has to offer
and why would i eat a platypus?
they're poisonous, electric monotremes, people
not a whole lot of monotremes left
and i'm no monster

a business man
if it were a life or death situation
i mean, who's more valuable to the world?
the guy that writes awful prose, that's who
i know you'll agree with me

and, as long as we're on the topic of cannibalism:
a piece of jim croce or john belushi or phil hartman
had they been properly preserved
i mean, that body's not being used, right?
i'm not eating their soul, just their soooooouuuuul

i wish i was an ice cream savant
like that guy from city slickers

another wrecked song
too many wrecked songs
i simply can't hear it
and it was new to me

and here's another one
another one that got wrecked
ruined, smashed, unplayable
i tried, and i just can't
but, but--!

there's a cover
a happier one
one that i can play
tongue-in-cheek, fun, not too serious
and i can listen to that

i can listen to it over and over
and laugh and laugh
and so i try the original

and maybe it's just too soon
and maybe you're such a you!

holy moses, other poets
other poets know it
i do not

i thought i could write poetry
stick to writing in panels, sweetie
stick to making disposable humour
that stays well past its expiration date

who was i kidding?
why would i do such a thing on a whim?
the impulse buy of website creation
it's a skor bar and a bunch of horoscopes
but, you know how we are
scorpios

isn't poetry supposed to be deeply personal?
don't you just write horrible things instead?
horrible as in cruel, not as in an affront on the senses
you do that too
occasionally

hey, you do both
wait, wait

wait

that's the point?
awful things?
just, the worst?
oh noetry, and all that?
things that would make a vogon stand up and say "i'm going to sit back down, now"?

oh, okay
glad we got that sorted out
updates wednesday and friday, folks
give us a kiss

no, julie
listen
you have to listen
this is important

you need to just sit down
stop it
don't walk away from me
this is not your decision

you think this is easy for me?
you think i like doing this?
i have to be the bad guy?
and you just get to
sit, sit down, i'm not finished
and you just get to ignore my feelings?

it's not fair to me
i do everything for you
i'm the one at work all day
what do you even do during the day?

i think the trust is gone
and you're going to have to do something to earn it back
you can't just
no
you can not
this is not over

julie!
sit down!
come back here!
julie!

i guess i'm not a cat person either, is what i'm trying to say

what is it this week?
what's trending
better check
so i can be every bit as mad as everyone
or as silly
or as whooping insane

how long until oprah retires?
i'd better know
i don't want to be out of the loop
is that even possible at this point?
or is that impossibility just my fault

i'm not above the mob
i'm not smarter than anyone else
but i'm smarter than me
except when i'm not
which is a lot of the time

day one, slight limp
i will persevere
a limp adds character
calvin's dad would agree

day two, i should not walk
i have been robbed of my joy
and i strut like some horrible frankenstein's monster
brought to life by coffee and plaid
too little lightning

will i end up in a wheelchair?
will i end up in a morgue?
is it gangrenous?
is it cancerous?
oh lord, take this cancerous leg and grant me a peg
pirates are still in, as unlikely as that seems

day three, is that a bruise?
day three, marry me
day three, let me crawl inside you and sleep on top of your heart
you validate the pain
and that is all i could ever ask of anything
a day or a woman or a detergent brand

day four, to be determined
i hope it will not offer miracles
because to struggle and persevere would make this worthwhile
or at least worth writing about
or at least worth writing poorly about

it might as well be china
i might as well be digging through the earth
that would be just as quick, just as effective
oh, be a doll
a china doll

you be as forward as i'd like
as much as i'd never be
it's more efficient that way, frankly
and first moves only go well in tic-tac-toe
and this is slightly more complicated
it's connect four
or SOS

i can't dig to china
not from this angle
i would end up in the indian ocean
off the coast of adélie land
where they have penguins
which i suppose is a plus

four: snow and rain and a spiderweb on my face at the end
five: the bike comes out and i look for work that would come if i looked harder
six: keep trying, but i'm distracted by how poorly these shirts all fit
seven: the disgraceful routine of sleeping late and feeling bad about it
eight: five in the morning and the grass is wet and i should sleep
nine: i will be doing this until i am a real, card-carrying grown-up
ten: a thousand costumes; it's worth it to stay up late for the great pumpkin
eleven: when will the real snow come?
twelve: the days aren't really that short at all, and the house is claustrophobic
one: this is the year of our lord and saviour jesus shame
two: the cold will never let up and i swear at it when i think no one is watching
three: everyone is born, and i have nothing for them

i have go-to lines
bits, catchphrases

i think that the bridge of paradise by the dashboard light is a great thing
for a woman to sing
at the last moment pre-coitus

when a joke fails horribly, i say that it needs work

and i like to give little shout-outs to the ladies
because some people really seem to enjoy that

if we're parting, i will instruct you to have fun
and you had better

if you wear a black v-neck t-shirt
then congratulations
i will call you ricky gervais

i use dinger as an explitive more often than any grown man really ought to

but there's more to me than that
right?
ladies?

on the first day, i didn't miss you
i was excited
and everything seemed new
endless possibilities
and a small trinket to remember you by

on the second day, there was a bit of pain
there was an unfamiliar roughness to everything
and i started thinking
maybe i had made a mistake

on the third day, i caught a good look at myself in the mirror
what i had become
it made me sick to my stomache
but i knew there was no going back
irrepairable, inconceivable

on the fourth day, i tried to adjust
but i wasn't fooling anyone
and i wasn't fooling myself

it's the fifth day, and i miss you
i miss you more than anything
and i can't wait until you come back

if you love something, cut it right off of your face
and if it grows back, then it was meant to be
i miss my beard

try harder
were the words that they said
they said it more times than i'd like to remember
if i had to guess just how many times they said it
i'm pretty sure i'd have to
try harder

sometimes being a parent
means having to watch television programs
that you wouldn't normally watch
it's like being in a relationship, in that way
it reminds you that, hey, you're an individual
and you simply don't have the taste for certain entertainment

so i'm watching this show
victorious
about a bunch of kids that go to a performing arts high school
and i just want to smash the tv
it's the worst
seriously, go watch it
feel my rage

all of these people are so terrible
let's go through the cast
one of the kids is a ventriloquist
that is not a good running gag
and there's a bad boy with a heart of gold
and don't forget the token black kid
and the bitch character
i mean, everyone keeps calling her a gank
but when they say "gank", they mean "oh god you're such a bitch just fucking die"
the dumb one is dumb, we get it, let's move on
and the main girl
hooray, free spirit
you can tell she's a free spirit because she wears hightops

i need to change the channel or turn the tv off
before i throw my daughter out of the house
or feed her to a wolf

we build a lexicon
based on inside jokes, turns of phrase
shared memories
that we see from the same point of view
words that only mean something to us
because to hell with the rest of the world
and i love every single part of it
it's my favourite dictionary
aside from the one
with all the dirty words in it

a goose
a beaver
22 minutes/red green/air farce
a tragically hip song
rick mercer
don cherry
colin mochrie
bryan adams on the phone
kevin macdonald or mark mckinney
tim hortons
roll up the rim
okay, there's the cancon
now we can write poems
and not get in trouble
you're welcome, government

everything has to be a glass full of lemons
and everything has to be a down note
and it's not like things will get better
until they do
which is sometime in the future
accompanied by silver shoulder pads
and requisite flying cars

external locus
is the term, i suppose
it best sums up what'll make me happy
popcorn, scrabble, movies
"picnic" isn't necessary code for cunnilingus
though i suppose "snack" is
so there's that

i miss trees
real trees have leaves, not needles
trees with needles are kids stuff
like putting your voice in a build-a-bear
ronny cordova says you're gay
but he means it in that "gay=lame" sort of way
which isn't cool, but still, it happens

may will be a good month
remind me in may
to have fun
and smile
and laugh a joker laugh
and dance a travolta dance
and fight like the wind
which i assume involves a lot of blowing on opponents
let's hope they get uncomfortable, due to all the blowing
and leave the fight
because that counts as a victory, right?
of course
of course

it's a coat made of skin
it's totally a coat made of skin
how can that guy get away with that?
is this the society that we live in?
where a man can just wear a coat made of skin
out in public?

it's not like he's even being subtle about it
he's damn near flaunting it
and i hate to belabour the point
but come on
it's a coat made of skin

i won't talk about his odd haircut
like a mohawk
but just on the back of his head
or his goatee on the front
like a front/back symmetry
that may be the frightening type
but not nearly as frightening as
well, y'know

or his dog, which may or may not
be the dog from some non-cujo
stephen king novella

or his girlfriend, who may or may not
be the girl from some fever dream
where you end up falling asleep
on a couch in a public place

i guess what i'm trying to say
and let's be blunt
is let's all just have a little modesty
and stop terrifying people
with your coat made of skin

yours in christ,
the guy you scared at the coffee shop

you dropkicked your way into my heart
on brawlentines day
you hit my senses with a barbwire bat
on brawlentines day
you dislocated my shoulder and i lost a couple teeth
on brawlentines day
maybe we should see other people

"voldemort's cousin": first album tracklist

welcome to grapes (radio edit)
kurt russell's beard
franz f#@ked spike from degrassi
between the bricks
just what is duck confit
blues brothers is mutual
voldemort is maris
you're one ugly motherf*!ker
the second time i shot you in the face
secret jacket (i hate your jacket)
nicaragua*

*bonus track

i was thirteen when my grandfather died
but i think he would have been a good guy to know during my teen years
when i was, admittedly, pretty stupid
i quasi-inherited three plaid button-ups from him
two predominantely red, the other dark greens
forest green has been my favourite colour for as long as i can remember

the first red shirt, made up of thick, blocky lines
was thrown out during a post-teenage culling of clothes
i had a lot of useless clothes
and the fact that i incessently used those iron on t-shirt things
to make awful shirts
did not help

the second shirt, the earthy green one
started losing buttons, like an alzheimer's case losing focus and memory
it simply could not keep track of them
and the shirt itself, likely around age fifty
was not in the greatest of shapes to begin with
and so out it went

the third shirt, red, white, black, thin lines
is still with me to this day
but its collar has become frayed on the right side
like it's the two-face of collars
and there are tiny holes in the back of it
near the bottom

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then my throat would feel awesome
and i wouldn't have the constant taste
of cherry halls in my mouth

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then i wouldn't be awake
after sleeping the evening away
on a loveseat, not a couch

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then the zipper on these pants would work
and not slide halfway down
making me look constantly ridiculous

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then i would have realized early on
that i could just copy and paste
the first line of each of these stanzas

if this were the best of all possible worlds
then we wouldn't need a batman
because we would all have batman
right here (i'm pointing at my heart)

aw dream girl
you went offline
what a shame
a missed moment
to shout things
and feel like
well, there's shouting
shouting must mean
i'm worth of
a little time
and time, well
time is great
i'll take time
to take abuse
which is silly
but then, well
i did decide
to go outside
have a smoke
play it cool
like the aquabats
in that song
playing it cool
which i guess
sums up me
if you give it
just one listen
think you'll here
me being me
through being cool
like two other
songs i like
devo and jawbreaker
i'm so bad
at writing poems
wait a second
wasn't this blog
meant to ha-ha
the shitty poetry
that permeates blogs
throughout the internet
and now what
now i'm writing
serious garbage?

focus
i'm lacking
when i think
i would enjoy some
focus

i would not eat a urinal cake
i'm not going to say never
i mean gun to my head
of course
two hundred dollars
probably
they're not allowed to tape it
two hundred dollars can buy things
and we all need things
am i right
of course i'm right
people need to eat
you can't survive
otherwise
water is more or less free
great country for that
public water
has my unwavering support
so yeah
i guess i'd mow down on one
wait
what just happened